I want to move on but every time you come home, you shake the house with insecurities. This isn’t a house built on lies but it is far from a house built on love. Maybe it is built on love but it definitely isn’t the purest. Let’s make it pure. Reverse that anger into calmness, transform that sadness into the smile it used to be. All emotions stem from the same source of love, when we feel lost come back to love. When our emotion doesn’t feel right, remember the creator, the originator, love!
I know I was always a little off, a little to the left when you said right. A little bit east when you said west. I was never perfect, far from it. I tried my best to give you quality but often times I could only grant you quantity. At least it was a quantity of love, something I never fell short on. You teased me, you scolded me, I couldn’t help but not change. Every word I spoke, every thought I had was left outside to rot as the doors to your heart remain closed. No service allowed, from 12am to 12pm. I know I was always a little off and I know you don’t like to listen to me, but at the end of the day, you can come talk to me for my heart is always ready to listen. Although I was always a little off my heart is always open.
To me it was always hard to guide you, I know you wanted more for me, I know you wanted to protect me. Times when you craved comfort, I craved excitement. Times you wanted to construct walls I wanted to bulldoze walls. We didn’t always butt heads. Most of the time we wanted the same thing. I had to recognize that you craved what I always was. I have been here the whole time, moving in a way you couldn’t understand and since you had a hard time comprehending, you looked for your craving else where. I have always been the purest form of love. So many times you tried to convince me I needed more or that I wasn’t complete, but you know I am way too conscious to fall for that. I am always here for you, in times when you are confused and feel like you deserve more. I am here for you when you are tired, after a long day of work when you felt like you deserved more. I am here for you when you are sad, when you feel like you aren’t worthy. I will be here to celebrate with you when you are happy. Most importantly, I will always be here in my purest form. The love I have is infinite, know you can have as much as you want.
There were countless times I could recall where I wanted to put my weight on you. I thought you were supposed to be my glue to hold me together. As I obsessively watched you drift away, I fell apart. Illusions ran through my mind as I waited desolately for you to come back and save me. Save me from the terrors in my own bead. The same terrors that pushed you away in the first place, leaving you at a disadvantage from the start. You tried to love me as I laid in bed trapped, victim to my past. You tried painting me a future but my mind wouldn’t let me see your beautiful art. You were always the purest form of love. Thank you for pushing me, thank you for allowing me to understand what love feels like, thank you for showing me that the same feeling is possible without you. I love you, forever.
Tears push against my face like the waves push against the beaches. They wear on me, neutralizing me to the way I was meant to be. With every drop, I feel a little less further. Gaining ground with every breakthrough, I can empathize with beaches and the way they feel when they are weathered and eroded. After every time the waves hit the sand, a new formation is formed, giving light to a new sandcastle, each sandcastle paving the way to a new memory. These waves are good, these tears will transcend me.
My branches grow thick as the core to my isolation builds. I am not done yet, there are more chapters to the story. More characters and more plots to be developed. Even though struggles are on the way, I still stand alone. Time relentlessly teaches me longevity as I look out to the ocean and ask it what it feels like to be the only one.
Although the essentials aren’t needed, they sit heavy in my backpack and act as a necessity to my mind. If I could throw it all away I would, but I’m not there yet. I’m not free enough, I still conform to the poisons that have been engrained in me. Although the layers are heavy, I consciously peel them, day in and day out. It will be only moments until I am that of a molten rock, held by nothing, free of everything!
I had once heard of it, but never saw the place where all things come true. I could imagine a place covered in palm trees, purifying the air for all life to breathe. A place where blue sky’s scream your name aligning back to your path. A place where the sun rejuvenates your skin and turns the darkness you had been running from to a light that you now run to. A place with a prideful breeze, one that doesn’t quit, one that doesn’t ever give up. I know this place exists, I will go there when I can, I will stay there as long as I can.
For a second in my mind, the path deceived me. It convinced me that it was going to be impossible, that it was going to take a lifetime. It told me there were no guarantees and no second chances. Standing desolate as high wooden walls constructed in my mind, a sense of incompleteness took me away, bringing me to a place of clarity. No walls here, just love and authenticity. I knew what I had to do, I knew it was time. For a second in my mind, the path deceived me.
In a time where we are all shrinking, don’t look past growth. For although it might look small, there is always a progression behind the scenes. Like all things in nature, cause and effect does it’s part. If he is angry, she is calm. If he is sad, she is happy. Opposites attract and duality must exist. It is inevitable that in a time of shrinking, there is a time of growing.