If you were to ask me, I would tell you that you deserve more. I would tell you to keep giving to yourself. I would tell you that I understand what it feels like to sit alone and see what you thought you always had leave. I would tell you that I too know what it’s like to have a path that has been paved out for you shatter to pieces, a future you attached yourself to turn out to be an illusion. I too know what it feels like to start fresh. I would tell you to keep going. I would tell you that you don’t have to listen to the others. I would say you have to listen to yourself. I would tell you to kiss yourself. Smother yourself in the juiciest kisses you have ever given. I would tell yourself to smile every time you see your reflection because no one deserves to see a smile more than you. If you were to ask me, I would tell you that you deserve more.
Alone on the highest wire, no where to go but up. Obstacles are just illusions. Illusions in the form of tests. Will you love yourself or numb yourself? Sometimes we think we are stuck alone when we are really just floating, waiting, to enter the sky. This final move is the final key to nirvana. The final moment of giving it all back. Security or love? Comfort or love? Money or love? Alone on the highest wire, no where to go but up. You decide the final move.
I’m sorry but I always get this way sometimes, I take things personal when I am free, I am stubborn when I’m selfless, I am confined to freedom, I am tired of being awake, I am too awake when I feel tired, I feel like things fall into place when they don’t work out, I feel like you make your own destiny when things don’t work out. Why do I feel happy when I am sad? Why do I feel sad when I am happy? Why does the shortest road lead to greatness? Why does the longest road lead to hardships? I tried fast forwarding to the past but instead I rewinded to the future, on the journey I cruised along a rocky path and then stumbled along the smooth pavement, my dream filled with ghosts was overtaken by my nightmare filled with spirits, through all the highs that felt like lows and all the lows that felt like highs, a duality of two opposites is always best in balance as one.
Filled to the top, your heart never cheats abundance. It couldn’t cheat even if it wanted to because it only knows authenticity. At times your mind will convince you of things you need but your heart stays full, pumping love throughout your body, marinading every organ with love and joy. Emptiness will never be an option because your heart never cheats love.
Like a prisoner held captive, you’ve got my love forever. Keep it and hold onto it. Wear it when you go to sleep at night, longing for someone’s presence because for some reason you can’t seem to feel complete. Use it to pick you up when you have fallen down. Use it to raise you when you are feeling low. I give it to you in bountiful amounts with no reciprocations. Please shelter it and grow it, for this love is valuable and unconditional. It is yours always.
Is it too late or is too early to say that it has already been done? It may not have happened yet but it has already been written. I’ve already played the game, I’ve already traveled the journey, I’ve already followed my destiny. The patience inside me wants to be eager, it knows that my karma has been switched from unfortunate to blessed. The eagerness inside me wants to be patient, it knows that the best is already in store for me. What’s left to do? Being. I don’t have to do anything. Being. I will be, I am, I am not. Be!
I want to move on but every time you come home, you shake the house with insecurities. This isn’t a house built on lies but it is far from a house built on love. Maybe it is built on love but it definitely isn’t the purest. Let’s make it pure. Reverse that anger into calmness, transform that sadness into the smile it used to be. All emotions stem from the same source of love, when we feel lost come back to love. When our emotion doesn’t feel right, remember the creator, the originator, love!
I know I was always a little off, a little to the left when you said right. A little bit east when you said west. I was never perfect, far from it. I tried my best to give you quality but often times I could only grant you quantity. At least it was a quantity of love, something I never fell short on. You teased me, you scolded me, I couldn’t help but not change. Every word I spoke, every thought I had was left outside to rot as the doors to your heart remain closed. No service allowed, from 12am to 12pm. I know I was always a little off and I know you don’t like to listen to me, but at the end of the day, you can come talk to me for my heart is always ready to listen. Although I was always a little off my heart is always open.
To me it was always hard to guide you, I know you wanted more for me, I know you wanted to protect me. Times when you craved comfort, I craved excitement. Times you wanted to construct walls I wanted to bulldoze walls. We didn’t always butt heads. Most of the time we wanted the same thing. I had to recognize that you craved what I always was. I have been here the whole time, moving in a way you couldn’t understand and since you had a hard time comprehending, you looked for your craving else where. I have always been the purest form of love. So many times you tried to convince me I needed more or that I wasn’t complete, but you know I am way too conscious to fall for that. I am always here for you, in times when you are confused and feel like you deserve more. I am here for you when you are tired, after a long day of work when you felt like you deserved more. I am here for you when you are sad, when you feel like you aren’t worthy. I will be here to celebrate with you when you are happy. Most importantly, I will always be here in my purest form. The love I have is infinite, know you can have as much as you want.
There were countless times I could recall where I wanted to put my weight on you. I thought you were supposed to be my glue to hold me together. As I obsessively watched you drift away, I fell apart. Illusions ran through my mind as I waited desolately for you to come back and save me. Save me from the terrors in my own bead. The same terrors that pushed you away in the first place, leaving you at a disadvantage from the start. You tried to love me as I laid in bed trapped, victim to my past. You tried painting me a future but my mind wouldn’t let me see your beautiful art. You were always the purest form of love. Thank you for pushing me, thank you for allowing me to understand what love feels like, thank you for showing me that the same feeling is possible without you. I love you, forever.